


When the Butterfly effect hits hard ( or, how Cell ended up travelling in time again)

by erena



Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Not Beta Read, Sorry Not Sorry, What Was I Thinking?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-15
Updated: 2018-10-15
Packaged: 2019-08-02 14:52:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16307264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erena/pseuds/erena
Summary: He needed a new plan if he wasnt going to face the boy. He was the problem: if only Gohan had never been born... but history couldnt be changed.... Or could it be?Cell brake violently in midair. Then, he started to laugh scornfully.(Cell/Pre-DragonBall-Z!Goku)(It probably will go as bad as you think~)





	When the Butterfly effect hits hard ( or, how Cell ended up travelling in time again)

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone!  
> I am not a newbie in the fanfiction world, but i've always written things in my language.  
> The story starts right after Goku's sacrifice, then there is a retelling of the Dragon Ball pre-Z, and then the what if scenario kicks in with all of his glory.  
> Forgive me for my bad jokes - i have nothing against religious people, I am religious myself. I just love make fun of myself, i think...? I hope no one takes it personally！  
> I am not even a native speaker, and this work is not beta read', so please let me know if something feels off. This will be interesting, trying to translate my sarcastic way of writing in another language.  
> Its a male/male relationship, in particular Goku and Cell - there arent many fics of them out there, but i had been a fan of this pairing since the beginning when i first saw the Android/Cell saga, and pairings werent even a thing at that time. _Internet_ wasnt a thing, to be honest.  
>  There will be some TFS referencies here and there, because i could cry of happiness since they finally ended my favourite saga and **for thousands of years my ship laid dormant** etc etc until the DBZA version of the Goku/Cell bromance.  
> Probably you should watch again the last arc of the DB series, or thing will maybe have little sense for you... naaah, i believe you'll be good. Things are going to look even more sensless anyway, original DB vibe or not.  
> Enjoy your trip~ because our dear Cell _will not._  
>  See ya!

#  When the butterfly effect hits hard.

## Or: how Cell ended up travelling in time again

###  Ch.1~ God is a ~~girl~~ raisin

The explosion lightened up the infinite void of the Otherworld.  
Everything shaked due to the enormous amount of power released, and all the souls in line to be judged started freaking out, with the oni in charge to overlook the situation toiled to contain the ranks.  
No one knew what had just happened on the Earth: if they did, it would have been clear that that had been the last resource of a warrior to save his planet, even if that cost his own life.  
But no one checked, so that heroic gesture went quietly.  
At the centrail station of Otherworld King Yenma, the great judge of deads, felt only an massive earthquake that almost made him fell off his chair.  
" **The Hell is happening,** " shouted the oni at his feared employees, that were having a really hard time trying to remain on two feet. A rain of documents fell over them, covering up half of the floor and making freak out the first souls that were on the line.  
" W-we have no idea, Sir," cried a little blue oni that had his glasses all crocked on his nose. " Its an earthquake, but we dont have those things here, Sir."  
" Could it be..." murmured the Judge, clenching his fists. It was the only logical explanation for that mess.  
He jumped upright, clashing his hands onto his mahogany table, his pride and joy.  
" You _witch!_ " He cursed histerically. " _You already took the child, what do you still want from me!?_ "  
"... Is he lunatic?" Murmured another oni at the glasses equipped one. He shook his head, eyes full of tears. He had been on King's Yenma's side for so long... " No, he is just talking about his ex wife. You know, he lost the divorce case..."

Far away, deaf to all of the panic that their owner generated with his little foolish whimsy, a small group of cells started regenerating.

__

" Fuck this shit, i'm out -" growled the funny creature that had just landed on the Earth's soil. It looked like an overgrown bug, so brightly green to have the same visual grace of a punch in the eye made with all the finger covered with iron rings. It started stomping his way out of the forest in which he landed, his joints squeaking graciously with every enraged step. " Goku is dead, yeah, how nice of him get the fuck out of my sight-" it continued its rant with even more rage, clenching his teeth so hard that his gums started bleeding. If someone had crossed his path, it would have been exchanged for a weird looking dog with a bad case or rabies, but no one would have been so stupid to cross his path, honestly.  
It wasnt usual for him all of this curses , no: he was the _gentleman_ type of villain, the one that would ask politely to his victims to please hold his top hat while he was beating the living shit out of them. He had some standards, thank you very much, and he was bounded to fulfill them.  
But he was... well, _pissed off_ was a good way to explain it as _fish_ was a good word to describe a _whale_. He was fucking angry, and not even the turn of events that allowed him to regenerate in his perfect form, instead of his noseless second, was enough to cheer him on.  
First, the most important fight of his life had just walked away to thrown a _teen_ on the battlefield.  
Second, pissing off that teen had been so hard that it required figuratively and not figuratively a _labor_ to achieve a shadow of a good fight.  
Third and last, when the boy had finally snapped, he litterally _wrecked his ass._  
The chimera known as Cell took flight in a burst of white light. He avoided using his saiyan aura, because it was easier to detect and he could still feel the ki of the little bastard somewhere on the planet. His first thought had been coming back in this new, powerful form, maybe shooting one of those bastard just for revenge... but then better advice came in his mind and he chose to rethink his original plan.  
The truth was that he wasnt so sure that he could kill the little hybrid anymore. The only thought of facing him again was enough to give him shivers, enough to feel his blood running cold. " At least, i have killed his father," growled Cell. " Oh poor orphan."  
There was not enough saltiness in this world to fulfill his person. He was as dry as the Dead Sea in that moment.  
Still, he couldnt risk his luck anymore. He had just survived his own explosion, he didnt want to know if he could come back even after a super-saiyan-two Kamehameha right in his face - he _knew_ that the boy would use that move on him. And he couldnt risk any further interferance from his father, that had been able to come back from the deadland as the stupidest alien Jesus of history.  
The thought of Goku acting like a bulky cheerleader towards his son that was charging a Kamehameha filled his mind；he blamed the lack of oxygen in his brain, and the fact that he had just experienced a near death situation - the other possibilty, that Goku's dumb cells were trying to take control of his mind, was too much horrid to stand.  
He needed a new plan if he wasnt going to face the boy. He was the problem: if only Gohan had never been born... but history couldnt be changed.  
... Or could it be?  
Cell brake violently in midair. Then, he started to laugh scornfully.

__  


He reached the city at sunset, aiming for the building that looked like a dome with a big CC logo on its front. It was impossible to miss with that distinctive shape, and Cell landed on the tidy lawn with a flick of his wings.  
He was better than in a good mood, and he even waved at the little woman that was watering the grass. The woman returned the greeting with a cheerful face, and Cell shivered a little when he noted that she didnt open her eyes once. He quickly entered the building without thinking too much about how she had been aware of his presence.  
That was the Brief's house, home of the greatest scientist currently living, and it was a _mess_. An oiled, _messed up_ mess - there were incomplete chart everywhere, half builted robots in every angle, and Cell almost slipped with his foot on a big stan of something that looked like oil but smelled like death and destruction. He knew that scientists were usually... _weird_ , after all his creator had made a creature half saiyan, half arcosian, half namekian in a bug-like body like him... but the Briefs were known to be even weirder than usual. The heiress, after all, had just got herself pregnant with the baby of an alien prince.  
... Saying that loud, it sounded more and more like a story jumped right out of one of the Ophra Winfrey's show honestly.  
" Excuse me, who are you?"  
Cell lowered his gaze onto the small figure that had approached him. It was a man with a crooked cigarette in his mouth and an hanging black cat on his shoulder, and the android blinked once before gaining back his savoir faire. He wondered briefly if it was the case of saying some bullshit just to maintain his coverage up, but there was no need to lie to a dead man anyway.  
" Greetings, Doctor Briefs," he said with a smirk.  
The doctor furrowed his eyebrow.  
" I am not going to devolve any money to any church."  
Cell blinked for the second time. _What the hell?_  
" Dead Darwin, its Jehovah's witnesses, aint it?" Growled the doctor. " Its _always_ about Jehovah's witnesses. Panchy! Take the rifle!"  
Cell had no idea who this Panchy was, but there were high possibilities that it was the cat -  
" Is in the cabinet, dear," ringed a melodious voice from the outside. " Have you remember to charge it from the last time?"  
... _Last time of what_ , thought Cell before regretting it immediately. He really didnt want an answer.  
Things were slipping quickly out of control. " N-no! I am... a bio weapon... created by doctor Gero...?"  
The eyes of the gray man cheered up at that info. " Gero? That old fart? How is he doing?"  
" Dead," said Cell dryly.  
The Brief nodded. " Yeah, i know that it would happen, sooner or later."  
The chimera lost all of his words again.  
" Sorry for your loss," said Briefs with a tone that suggested that he didnt care at all. " But we're all going to wear a woody pajamas anyway."  
... How he was supposed to answer that?  
Cell quickly changed his face from the one that stated _I am confused, but still drop dead gorgeous, thank you very much_ to the one that stated _I am the handsome and murderous monster under your bed_. " I am not here to chit chat, doctor." He said coldly, " I want something from you."  
" And?"  
"... I know that your daughter found my time machine. I want that back, and i believe you'll be eager to collaborate. If you dont, i am going to..." he hissed with a threatening tone.  
" ... To kill me and my family etcetera etcetera," said Briefs shrugging. " Yeah, i've heard that line one or two times."  
Cell was spechless again. He tried his best to maintain his composure, but he just wanted to run far, far away from that house. The fuck was wrong with the Earthlings, Jesus...  
" Your creator was like that too. You should have seen him in our evil scientists' meetings, always screaming around that he wanted the slated to be wiped clean, and..."  
"... _Evil... scientists'...meetings?"_  
The doctor nodded. " You cannot state to be a truly genius if you dont go through at least once _i want to destroy everything_ phase. Mine was during my middle aged crisis." At the Cell confused face, he explained, " you can say that that hitted me hard. No judge."  
Cell was technically _born_ to wipe out the entire world, so he couldnt rebuke；still, hearing his lifetime goal being defined as a middle age crisis...  
He was losing ground too quickly for his tastes. " Just tell me where my time machine is. We shall continue this conversation **never.** "  
" Basement. Dont touch anything in there, especially if it moves. Do you want some company?"  
Cell nodded, eager to follow the advice, and then he gave him a knee in the stomach just for good measures.  
The old men fell down silently； the kitty jumped off his back, gave Cell a judgemental look and in an instant it was out of sight.  
" I dont want to be alone with him into a fucking basement!" Shouted Cell at the cat. " No judge!"

__

__

His time machine was cleaned up and almost untouched, still brightly yellow and still so little. Cell had to revert into his first form to fit into, the first time he time-traveled, but... " I am going to fit in like this," he growled, " even if it will be the last thing i will do."  
He wasnt going to bury himself into the soil for other four years to develop, thank you. His abilities were amazing, but if he was going to came back in time to kill Gohan before he could became the threaten it was now, he needed to be into a form that could _effectively_ kill him. And his larval form would just find a nice, quiet place, concoon himself and jumping off as the weirdest looking cicada of the history. And who knows how the butterfly effect would spread, at that point? Maybe this time around Trunks would came a year before, or someone of the Z fighters would stumbled upon him. Or Goku would exchange him for an easy meal and happily barbecue his ass.  
He seemed the type.  
No more beating around the bush - he would go straight to the point: going back, killing Gohan wherever he was, coming back in time and kill him again, and going back in time and kill him _again_ , and again and again until his anger was fully satisfied. If he wasnt able to kill _this_ brat, he would erase every damn version of him in every damn timeline, and still hoping for the law of karma to just switch on his side and giving this Gohan a fucking heart attack.  
Cell lifted up to the glass top cover, that opened silently. Okay, it was reeeally small in there...  
Cell clutched his teeth. " Even at my own life's cost," he rumbled, and went down.

__  


The weather was nice in that time of the year. Spring was in its full bloom, and all of the creature of the Earth had already waked up from the winter hybernation, and every one of them was busy basking into the first warm sun of the season.  
The time machine popped out of reality into a clear sky.  
It landed graciously on the grass, alien in that landscape as a tricycle into a motor show, the kind of motor show in which there was too much leather and tatooed limbs involved. But it looked almost cute in his yellow-ish brightness, at least at the curious creatures that were observing his landing... and at least until the top cover was out of sight. Because that was the real problem: it looked like a womb ready to give birth to a mess of green spotted limbs that were moving into a container clearly too tight for them. Finally the top cover opened, and the thing that looked like a crooked frog shooted out as a bullet, ending face down onto the grass.  
The predators watched carefully the thing valutating if it was safe to assault and consuming.  
The _prey_ watched carefully the thing valutating if it was safe to assault and consuming.  
Before everything could end into a bloodbath, the thing moved. " _Almighty Christ," it shouted histerically, " _it had been like being born again! And i've never being born **before**...!_ "  
And that was the welcoming cry of the android known as Cell at the past._

__

__  


He was used to be the biggest wolf in the wood, so the glances of disbelief that the human kept throwing at him didnt bother Cell the slightest. But the biggest city in the neighborhood in which he landed was so damn full of human and creature of various race that seemed like half of the planed had tried to fit into just one place. Cell had the biggest poker face in the world, but at the hundredth elbow right in his hip he was ready to go into killing mode.  
There was something up in the air, and after a quick analysis of the situation, the android came to know that there was a tournament in that moment. Oh the irony.  
He was still trying to realize if he ended up in the right year, honestly, since he had just made a rough calculation of Gohan's age and when exactly he had been conceived. A tournament was the better place to find a person like Goku, obiviously, but with that crowd it was as hard as trying to find a needle in an haystack. There was a possibility that he had gone too much back too, when Gohan was only a sperm into his father's balls, but he could bet that Goku would have shown in every tournament from the moment he had known the meaning of the word, so blasting him out of the living land would mean blasting out the little sneaky white worm that was Gohan too.  
Good thing that he was so tall that he could litterally overlook the situation - the bad thing was that half of the human being had black hair and pale skin. It was like the concepts of 'hair dye' and 'tan' were a blasphemy - and he couldnt even sense Goku's ki, that bastard...  
Someone was staring at him. Cell turned around slightly, towards the direction of the feeling.  
No one was in sight, only a white turban merging into the crowd.

__  


Cell, after waggling around for a while, actually managed to enter in the waiting room where all the participant's families were giving them their best wishes. He hadnt found Goku, and this was his last possibility: if he wasnt even here, that meant he wasnt in this tournament and Cell would have just wasted his time while the saiyan was maybe conceiving Gohan somewhere else...  
He was so deep into his thoughts that when a young boy with a white turban bumped into him on purpose, Cell didnt even noticed it and walked right through him, almost pounding him into the ground. The boy quickly gained back his balance and straightened up, bumping in him again with more strenght this time.  
Cell didnt even flinch.  
From the outside, judging by the number of viewers that had stopped their tasks to watching with perplexity at the two of them, it was a really weird event: a boy with terrible tastes in clothing was repetitively bouncing back and forth into a titanic cicada, trying to gain its attention - in a way that rememebered a mosquito's failing attempts to reach the shiny blue light of a kill flies.  
But everything that Cell felt was only a light, annoying tugging at his sides, and he was firmly resolute to ignore that until a blue haired woman crossed his path.  
_Bulma Briefs?_ Thought Cell furrowing.  
She looked almost shamed. " Hum, excuse me Sir, can you please - ummm, pay attention to my friend? I think he wants to talk with you...?"  
" Yeah, and the sky is above and the land is below!" Shouted Oolong with his hands like a meghaphone around his mouth.  
" Shut up! You're not helping!"  
Cell wasnt listening at all. _But, if Bulma is here..._ he thought, turning back to face the same white turban from before.  
Under it, there was a face that would have stopped the android's heart if he had one.  
He knew that face, but it was wrong in someway. The nose was the same, but the cheeks were fuller and more child-like, exactly like the eyes, big and round and raven. In front of him there wasnt the same sharp, fitted body of a warrior, but the bulkier and softer version of him of over a decade before. No orange in sight, thanks to any God out there, but the turban was disturbing him for reasons - he didnt knew that Goku had a _fakir_ phase when he was a teen. Oh Lords, he wasnt even a teen, he was a _child._  
" I dont want to bother you," was saying Bulma, worried by the android's long silence, " but you kinda stepped on him like ten times, and he needs all of his limbs attached to his body for fighting and... well, for living..."  
He couldnt believe that that brat was Goku - he had such big, dark eyes that he felt the urge to drown him like a bag of dumb puppies.  
" Hey!" Now that Cell was finally paying attention, Goku waved at him cheerfully like they were lifetime buddies that just met again after a long time. " You are one of the tournament participants?"  
Cell choked on air - if _he_ was going to enter the tournament, the organizers would have all the rights to legally change its name into _slaughterer._ Goku approached him, deaf and blind to his disbelief. " Nice to meetcha! What is your name? I am..."  
Cell stared at him. " No," he said after a while, and just walked away.  
Goku tilted his head, confused by the stranger's weird behaviour. Oolong just bent over his thight to blink dumbly at the weirdo. " 'No', huh? I think his full name is Noah or something like that..."

__  


_I cannot believe it_ , thought Cell, desperately climbing upon his poker face that was falling apart miserabily. There were the quarterfinals now, and all of the weaker fighters had been already defeated； Goku of course was in that small group that won all the rounds, and he was about to enter the arena for his next fight. But... how it was possible... how...  
The android cringed. Is really so boring watching a tournament?! Okay, no one's life was in a real threat, so there were missing the shivers of a possible annihilation... in plus, everyone here was so laughably weak that sometimes Cell had the impression to watch a cats fight or even a newborns fight. And still...  
_Is so damn boring! But what's exactly what i did! **But is so damn boring!**_  
When he will come back, he will just appear on worldwide vision again and ask profusely forgiveness for have wasted everyone's time. And then, he would going straight to the point and just killing ~  
" The next participant, Son Goku, from the Turtle school!" The crowd cheered the boy, and Cell stayed still with his arms folded - even when Goku detected him in the crowd and waved at him again. The android rolled his eyes: not an hard task, honestly he was half meter taller than everyone in there, except the illogical giraffe that was on his right. Why that thing was in the crowd of a tournament was beyond him.  
He didnt have the time to think about the giraffe too much: Goku was reaching the side of the ring that was closer to Cell, and then he squatted down with his eyes fixed on him. " I was hoping to fight you," he said with a smile.  
Two girl on his proximity squeaked in awe, looming at their exchange with their face reddish as a tomato. Cell flashed them with his worse stare. " Well, i was hoping to not dying of boredom, but it looks like neither of us is going to have his desires fulfilled."  
Goku laughed, throwing his head back, and Cell frowned. " No, i am serious. I still wonder why there are so much people here."  
Goku's eyes were dancing with amusement. " Well, a tournament is a big event, you know."  
" ... Sure. Looks like this city can give you such a greeat time. Sure, why not. Kill me."  
" You should have entered the tournament, and spiced things up."  
So, Goku felt that he was stronger than anyone else. No surprise honestly, but the thought of him joining the Tenkaichi Budokai... Cell couldnt stop a burst of malevolent laughter right in the boy's face. " That was a nice one, Goku. Hah, nice one."  
He tilted his head, undaunted by his outburst. " So you know my name. May i ask you yours?"  
Cell wondered for a little if he was really going to reveal his name... but then, he thought with a smirk, he had always loved when someone screamed his name while agonizing. " Cell."  
Goku nodded and tried to speak again, but the announcer tapped him on the shoulder. " Umm, your opponent is waiting here..." he said pointing a female, pissed off figure at the opposite side of the ring.  
" Whoops, sorry," squeaked Goku, and quickly took his leave. " Im going to be right back!" He shouted towards Cell, and he jogged to the center of the arena.  
Cell rolled his eyes. _So overconfident,_ he thought. But this younger version of Goku was... well, nice to deal with. _It will be such a pleasure to kill him,_ thought Cell with a smile, and he focused again on the ring and Goku's opponent, the soon to be knocked out girl  
The smile died on his lips when he had a better vision of her face.  
He _knew_ those eyes.

__  


Cell was following the two younglings exchange with wide eyes. Soon his anger of finally finding the mother of Gohan was changing into just incredulity.  
" Umm, did i meet you b-before?"  
The girl growled at Goku's question, like that personally offended her. " Ask to your heart, you bastard, if you have one!"  
Goku started sweating, " Ehm, i ... it should be really important if you are so angry..."  
Cell felt like he was going to puke. Initially, he thought that Gohan was the result of the union between two strong fighters, and since Goku was only a third class warrior, but still a saiyan, then the mother should have been the promise bride that Goku chose for himself, to let his legacy having the best outcome possible. He thought that Goku carefully chose the best breeder into that ball of dirt and water that the Earth was - that was exactly what he would do in that situation, but it ended up that he mistaked Goku for someone too much intelligent. He frantically climbed on the last belief that his defeat _must have_ an epic undertone hidden. It had to. He just couldnt accept any less from the bloodline of the boy that kicked his ass.  
**It had to.**  
Instead...  
" Gohan was born due to an accident," he murmured with incredulity. " The strongest warrior of the galaxy... a product between two perfect strangers."  
He was so close to curl up into a ball and just _scream._  
" Yes, i know you from long time ago, Son Goku!" Shouted the girl histerically, catching Cell's attention. "You promised me that you would marry me!"  
Goku's jaw dropped, just like everyone's with the exception of the android, which was so stunned to do anything else but staring at his worst nightmare coming into reality. Goku was... um, _being proposed_ right in front of his eyes, and Cell couldnt even bring himself to raise an hand and just blasting him out... because everything was so stupid. So fucking _stupid._ It was like he ended up in the Otherworld because a Saibamen just exploded in his face.  
" Wh- what? Oh Lords," squeaked Goku, and frantically looked towards Cell. " Did i promise something to you too?!"  
Cell became spechless. " ... What?"  
" Yeah, is the only explanation! You know my name, and you're keeping making face at me! Just like her!"  
Cell didnt know how to answer at that； _i am making faces at you because i want to kill you_ was a good answer, closely followed by a more offended _I am **not** making faces, you moron._ He was going to explode, but then a thought came into his mind - wait. _Wait._ Goku promised something to him, after all. Right?  
In a weird silence in which everyone was hungrily waiting for the next develop of that situation, Cell spoke.  
" Yeah Goku, you did. You promised me a good fight." Oh well, it wasnt _this_ Goku that made that promise... but still. He was salty about that, honestly.  
The crowd gasped, alongside with the girl. " You... you were engaged with someone else?!"  
" I knew it!" Squeaked Goku with similar horror. "... What does engaged means, by the way...?"  
The girl looked at Cell with her eyes watery with tears. " So, he lied to you too..."  
"... K-kinda?" He technically lied when he said that they were going to have their final showdown in a week, with the condition that Cell couldnt kill anyone until that - Goku fought only to measure him up, to discover if Gohan was enough to kill him using his own ass as a beat-o-meter.  
Technically Cell broke that promise too, killing the armed forces that showed up in that week but hey, in his dictionary that was called self-defense. Thank you.  
The girl nodded, wiping out her tears, and came closer to the edge of the arena with a puppy-like face. Cell stiffened, going backwards just in case that she had something in her mind like hug him into submission.  
" I didnt know that he was already engaged," she said, " if i did, i wouldnt..."  
" Okay, let clear this," growled Cell. " What exactly do you mean with engage and why do you put me and him into the same sentence without adding any tense of the 'killing' verb in between."  
" But! Why do you want to kill me, Siri?"  
" Its _**Seru,**_ you moron!" 

__  


"... And then he kicked my private parts and i just knew that it was my duty to marry him."  
Cell nodded in agreement, as he did during the girl's entire speech. " I can feel you, dear Chichi," he said with his sweeter tone, " but i am going to repeat the same question i did before. And before. And before that." He bent over towards the girl. " _Why this should by my concern?_ "  
" You and i are the same," she added as she wasnt listen to him at all, too lost in her storytelling. " I can feel that. Is like i just found my soulmate in you..."  
" Oh sure, we are soul siblings, as far as a weak human and the perfect result of bionengeneering could be." He gave her his brightest smile. " Did i tell you that i was made to slaughter him and his progeny in cold blood?"  
Chichi blinked, and suddenly around Cell everyone took a step back.  
" But your story touched my heart... well, it would do if i had one. But that is not the point. I am going to land a punch for you, my dead girl - i mean, dear. Dear girl."  
Chichi's eyes became watery again, but a tough expression rose on her face. " No. _I_ am going to land a punch for _you_. I am going to face him and avenge us both."  
It was Cell's turn of blinking. " Well, i am kinda scared that you might have success...", but she had already made up her mind, and she was unstoppable - she _really_ was Gohan's mother, sweet Christ...  
" Face me, Son Goku. If you win... i'll take a step back."  
Chichi looked toughly towards Goku, which was scratching his head as he didnt know what the fuck was going on. Then, he apparently decided that she was serious, and he just nodded and took a fighting stance.  
" This is for you..." her eyes flickered at Cell, "... _you,_ " Chichi murmured, and rushed towards Goku, charging at him like an elephant on a rampage.  
_I am almost touched_ , thought Cell, and he cringed when his own thought hadnt any sarcastic undertone. _Oh my God, i am **really** touched. I feel like i am going to puke._

__  


They fought for a while, with Chichi landing some really good strikes that suggested that, if trained, she would become a good human fighter. But, of course, Goku was too much above her to really mind her attacks: in the instant he get serious and threw a punch in response, Chichi just went down flying out of the arena and collapsing onto the wall that divided the spectators from the ring.  
He didnt charge too much his punch, so Chichi was just a little buttered and she stood up with only a bump on her head - and the hell, she was _smiling_ accepting her defeat? Almighty Christ, what was wrong with those damn Earthlings?!  
_That's it. That's the sound of my mind breaking apart. The mother of the strongest warrior of the galaxy cant take an air punch._  
Cell moaned when a salty thought filled his mind. _I wont think that loud,_ he rebuked himself. _Come on Cell, get yourself together, you are a gentleman..._  
_**But sure she can take some saiyan cock!**_  
Cell cringed. _Dammit!_

__  


When finally the Great King Piccolo collapsed into the destruction that his gigantic form caused to the arena Cell, that had observed the fight from the above, felt an hint of respect for Son Goku. He surely had seen some weird shit in his life...  
But he won. Yes, surely he let Piccolo going wild a little too much because he was weak as fuck, and the android had choked on air when he get to know that this Goku had just learnt how to fly. Jesus christ, _mosquitos_ could fly. But the saiyan couldnt, at least until that very moment.  
It would be so lame killing this Goku. He could just bitchslap him and that would be enough to break his neck. _Almighty Christ, a sneeze of mine would blow him down,_ thought the android, _how can i do that and look at myself in the mirror again? I have some standards, thank you._  
He ended up in the worst age, that was all. Maybe the right choice was using the time machine again, going straight to the day in which he met Goku for the first time and... well, complimenting him for the long road he traveled, seriously. And then headbutt him and yadda yadda.  
There was no place for him there, he knew that looking at Goku, a flat and exausted worm on the soil surrounded by his patethic friends and even his future wife. There wasnt any honor in fight him, nothing to heal his wounded ego with. Cell raised an hand in complete silence, aiming at the prone saiyan: he would at least give to this innocent bastard the dignity of having a quick and painless death. _He will die as he lived_ , thought Cell a pinch of confusion due to the strage saiyan's behaviour, _chewing on something..._  
And then Goku jumped upright as he was suddenly full of energy and Cell stopped the ki flowing in his hand, because he was going to miss the shoot. He felt the power burn back its way into his hand and arm, and he had the impression of seeing a deja-vu for some reasons...  
_Oh right,_ he remembered, _i used that trick on him during our fight, when i came back to life after he shoot a Kamehameha right in my face..._  
The android's gaze narrowed. _I kinda want to see if he can do the same - spoiler alert, **he cant.** Oh poor corpse._  
" **Yyyyeeeaaah, i wiiin the Tenkaichi Budokaaaaaaiii~** "  
The sudden yell gained Cell's attention, and he watched with disbelief Goku that was jumping in midair up and down and yelling as a banshee. The saiyan turned back to face the android, and opened his arm. " Siri, i won!"  
" Its Seru," Cell said absentmindley. " And you let him destroy half of the stadium, so its hardly to..."  
" Yay! I won!"  
Why everyone here kept ignoring his rebukes? He almost missed Vegeta, that was satisfyingly touchy. " _Goku._ You made damages for _thousands_ of zeni."  
Goku bent towards him, looking straight into his eyes. " **Yay. I. Won.** "  
Cell rolled his eyes. " Okay okay, Christ. You won. Congratulations and yadda yadda."  
" Thank you! Now we can have our fight!"  
Cell started laughing, and he stopped when Goku didnt join him. " Oh my god, you are _serious?_ " The android guffawed even louder under Goku's confused gaze.  
" Goku!" A loud call from below interrupted them, and both turned to see Krillin waving widly to gain their attention. " Kami wants to have a word with you! Come here!"  
Cell recognized one of the previous fighter, a green tall... _thing_ that looked like a raisin covered in moss.  
" Jesus Christ, what is that abortion!"  
" Its Kami, an old friend of..."  
" That thing is the Kami of this world?" Asked Cell with incredulity. " Like, the Kami Kami of the Earth?"  
" ... Yeah?"  
" But he looks exactly like Piccolo," squeaked Cell, and quickly corrected himself, " a really dried out, rotten Piccolo actually."  
" Naaah, he's just really old."  
Cell wasnt listening to him anymore. " Well, apparently God isnt a girl, is a fucking green, old raisin..."  
" ... He's like really, really, reeeeally old..."  
" _God is a raisin, whenever you are, can you believe it, can you deceive it~_ " " A-are you singing...? I-i've never heard that before..."  
" Psh. Give it another ten years at least."  
Goku nodded, clearly dont understanding a single one of his words.  
" Goookuuu~"  
The saiyan twitched. " Comin' ",he answered, and landed down next to the pratical demonstration that all of the believer's dreams about deity were bullshit.  
Cell came closer to hear what that was for.  
" You defeated my other half's evil progeny," said the namekian. " the only thing that remain now is erase him from existence..."  
He opened his hand, charging a fatal blow towards the younger namekian's prone form. Suddenly, Goku jumped between them.  
" Dont do it, Kami."  
" Is the only way to bring peace to this world!"  
Goku shaked his head. " But that would kill you too, isnt it?"  
Cell tilted his head - the boy was smarter than he thought；with Piccolo dead, even Kami would disappear, because apparently they were related: Kami said that himself when he defined Piccolo as his other half. And with Kami dead, Dragon Balls would disappear too, at least that was what he knew from his infos...  
" You dont understand..."  
" Why do you want to die, Kami?"  
A loud silence fell on the audience at Goku's question. The old namekian babbled, unable to give him a lie that would be immediately unmasked, and then he sighed in defeat.  
" I cannot help but feel like this is my fault. I let King Piccolo run freely in this world for too long, and now that i have the possibility to repair my mistakes..."  
" Well, in that case i'll just defeat him again."  
" Do you want to spare him?! You are a fool!"  
Cell couldnt help but agree to that； _I cant believe that i actually thought that he was smart..._  
Goku smiled, shrugging, and turned to Krillin. " Hey, can you give me a senzu?"  
**_He wouldnt dare...！_**  
But, when Krillin handed him another senzu with a worried face, the saiyan threw it to the barely conscious younger namekian. " Hey! Eat that, you'll feel better!"  
Everyone's eyes almost dropped out, including Cell's this time. Under che cacofony of loud protests that rose at the saiyan's choice, the android couldnt help but feeling a little offended. " Fuck you, by the way!" Cell shouted angrily between a far maniacal laugh, various scream of _Goku, no!_ , _What are you doing!_ , and _We're all going to die!_ " I thought i was special!"  
" Huh?"  
Cell squirmed when the saiyan actually heard him and looked in his direction. " Nothing. Just fuck you, you traitor." Cell started cursing under his breath folding his arms to the chest. Everyone clearly heard words like _Asshole_ , and _Giving his senzu to another man - what a **bitch**_ , so all the humans shared a look of embarassement for being almost like voyeurs to a reaction of a cheating. But the most embarassed of all was Piccolo, that in that time had jumped upright, laughed maniacally and been greatly ignored by everyone except Goku that waved at him.  
Piccolo retrieved his ground quickly, and a mischievous smile rose on his lips. " You are a fool, Son Goku... I will have my revenge, sooner or later..."  
" How about teaming up?" Murmured Cell, still huffed like a grumpy cat. The namekian threw a glance at him, furrowed his brows and decided that ignoring the weird bug man was the best choice. " You will still hear about me," he growled, and took flight in a burst of white light.  
" Call me~" shouted Cell, and he could swear that the namekian swung a quick middle finger at him while speeding up. _Tsk, i'll have a slug soup for dinner,_ he thought malevolently. _Ugh, okay, no. I have the sense of taste. It's not like i am french, sacré bleu..._  
" You really are something, Son Goku," Kami said suddenly, with a tone in between admiration and resignation. The old namekian looked like he was deeply thinking about something for a while, and then he spoke quietly. " I want to offer you the place of Guardian of the Earth."  
Goku blinked. " Whaaa~"  
" I feel like i've already chosen my successor, and what happened today just proves my point."  
" Wow," said Krilling in disbelief, " Goku will become the Kami of the Earth..."  
Cell screamed internally, things were going from bad to worse: now he needed to choose between let Goku generate his archnemesis, or let him become the God of the Earth. Or worst case scenario: Goku as the Kami of the Earth AND daddy dearest of the brat. " Now, now, let's think this straight. Do you really want him in charge of the fucking...!!"  
" Nah, i refuse," said cheerfully Goku, shrugging and taking everyone by surprise. " Is so quiet at the Lookout, I will die of boredom in there!"  
The old namekian looked like he was going to faint. " Refusing deity due to... boredom?! Have you an idea of what kind of honor this offer is?!"  
As answer Goku pulled a face at him, and quickly grabbed Cell's wrist to his surprise.  
" Kinto'un~" Goku called out loudly, and a little, golden, flying cloud rushed from nowhere braking sharply next to the saiyan. Goku jumped on it, dragging along Cell without any grace, and the android pierced through it almost falling on his face because it was a fucking, evanescent _cloud._  
" Uuum," said Krillin sweating a little, " looks like he doesnt have a pure heart..."  
Goku looked thoughtful for a moment. " Hmmm. Well, not even Bulma can ride it, honestly..."  
" Hey!"  
" I can feel the evilness of his heart from here," added Kami dryly.  
" Nah, he's good."  
" G-goku, Kinto'un is changing color..." squeaked the blue haired woman, momentainly forgetting of being mortally offended, " and... oh my God, are those _lightings_?!"  
" Okay, time out, i am done," growled Cell pushing back the angry little cloud. " I can fly, i dont need..."  
" Oh, right," laughed the saiyan scratching his head and releasing finally Cell's wrist. " So, follow me!" He screamed at his face, and took flight like he was surfing on air. Cell watched him spechless, he quickly considered his options and rushed towards him with a jump. Fuck everything, he would go in another kamikaze suicide rather than stay in those fool's company. And he could always push Goku off the cloud and send him to a painful, bones-shattering death... but most important thing of all, he could maintain him far, far away from the Lookout AND sex. Win-win situation.  
" See ya~" screamed Goku, and then they became little arguing dots in the sky.  
" _God is a raisin', wherever you are, can you believe it, can you deceive it~_ "  
" Hey, that song sounds cool, can you teach me -"  
" No."


End file.
